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the musings of my (dashMINDdot)™

Jun. 25th, 2010 03:27 am It's settled

I'm marrying a feminist.
End of story.


(-J.)™ backdates nonsense

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Dec. 6th, 2008 01:59 am is on Twitter! / I'm sick of something, and it's not just this damn burrito.

Well, I decided that updating every moment on facebook could get annoying, so I went even more annoying and joined Twitter, the online community for people who want you to know everything about them, including but not limited to yours truly.

I realized now why I haven't deleted my LJ account.
People still use this thing. People I know and trust.
And some people who I don't know or are stalking me... possibly.

The point is, I really thought I had no time to collect my thoughts, but now I'm here trying to not die of the brain overload that just happened in the past hour.

I have been storming mad over my brother trying to put a Christmas tree into the living room. Albeit a small thing and looks sorta cute, it's a fucking Christmas tree. I have no idea, but when I'm driving with him and he gets into the Christmas spirit by listening to 94.9fm and listening to Christmas music, I cannot help but bah and humbug at the excess of it all! I usually have nothing to hate about Christmas, but it's intermixed with some other feelings I hate too.

My luck with women has put me into this position: Every time I approach I girl, I realize that This is going to be a completely fucking, utterly miserable failure.

It's nothing I disregard about myself. It's just that I find myself becoming friends with a lot of married women and everybody has seen this shit go down. Not that I'm complaining about these friendships, but what the hell?

While I laugh about it, these are the moments I don't know where to go with it. Yes, I do music, and I'm fucking good but I feel like I'm playing to nobody but myself. And all I do is critique myself. I need a challenge beyond the open mic where people know I'm good. I've proven that to others and myself.

I'm sick of something, and it's not just this damn burrito.

My brow is furrowed and I want K-half noise, wherever you are.

Time for the pen.

(-J.)™ is more than a dream, more than the seams that have loosened by years

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed

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Dec. 4th, 2008 03:16 am DJing Aquatic Sentences

As I drown in my own thoughts I see what is before me.

A denim chair which holds my new laptop which I make late payments on but use only as much as my cell phone. Thankfully I'm now using it for educational purposes: I had my first class at the middle school. It was delightful and scary. I felt as nervous as when I was in middle school, but only before and after the class. Soon after I find myself struggling to not die over the cuteness of these twins, 15 month old boys who really are sweet and expressive, but ultimately a frustrating duo. Still, when they smile I can't help but be joyous. I also take joy in chasing them and making their hearts race like a champion horse and almost shit their pants in excitement. Usually, they just shit their diapers routinely.

I've been thinking of past love and current excitations.
One who is full of class and I feel like I can be honest with. Honest about me. Because if I said I were to like her I wouldn't be afraid of a "yes" or a "no". However, our situation calls for an immediate holdupwaitaminute!, in that she has a boyfriend she talks about like a day job she hates (as if their "dates" are obligated). Kind of like your cousin who works in a crappy job, but can't stop talking about how crappy it is. It's like they love to hate. She obviously loves to be in the uncomfortable stage of a relationship that can never be broken but by the caring touch of an impressive young man... wait, I'm talking greatly of myself. Meaning I'm being honest.

I call myself a musician and all I have to show for it are several receipts from music stores.
I bought several things which I envy myself for.
I also have a bank account that went missing in the middle of my shopping spree.
Where's my munnnies?
There are still more things to buy... many of which I call "necessities".

For the first time in my life I was insecure about money.
This is why so many people stop. Music is something one can work at, but it's scary to think it might not go anywhere. And it might not.
But that's not how I am supposed to think. Nobody would believe that about me.

When I deposited my check it was like I was waiting for more to get my fix.
I really am nervous about it. My parents aren't much of a resource for me either. All of my independence is mine. My brothers help me out tremendously, and I won't ever hide that fact. Sure I treat them like shit a lot, but that's something I have to work on.

I still work as a Barista, but it's not enough. I seriously wonder what other job I could find from 6am to 12pm-1pm more consistently. I dare not do opening shifts as my father's construction site jobs which I tagged along and mostly stayed in the car sleeping actually made me wary of early days. What was I really supposed to do? I really need to start DJing more. Actually, there are more organizational things I need to do first. Cleaning my house, cleaning the studio... cleaning things.

One thing I can do daily is some Wii fit. My legs are killing me. I want to kill back.

I have been recording more, getting into the habit of just putting down ideas. It's kinda nice to just be able to lay down a clean track. Oh, and free VST plug-ins help my budget costs. Why should I pay a couple grand for a Waves bundle when there are different kinds of compressors and model reverb plugins I can just download for no money. Freeware is a lovely friend of mine.

I've been starting to use Google Calendar to help my life. So far, I've just slept the mornings away. So much for proactive behaviors.

Time to sleep.

(-J.)™

Current Music: Young Marble Giants - "Searching for Mr Right"

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Nov. 12th, 2008 11:05 pm What a road it has been.

Since I am 21 and able to drink, I usually don't.
The only thing I'm excited for in the next week is purchasing wine to cook dinner and pair wines with a girl I am interested in. She's ridiculous, every bit as random as me, not an insomniac, knowledgeable, passionate, enjoys cooking and has those sleepy eyes (think Adrian Brody... but more feminine..... he has the only sleepy eyes I can think of at the moment). Anyhow, she's 24 and definitely enjoys my company.

Keeping busy is pretty much defining my existence. Which is a big change from trying to keep busy (as it was in Hollywood) while being broke. This time I'm being busy making money and researching equipment to buy (which there are a lot of options). I have 4 jobs at the moment and have assured a 5th job if everything works out.

-1. Starbucks Barista
-2. Preschool Teacher
-3. Childcare Provider
-4. Wedding/Event DJ
-5. Music Production Class for a Middle School.

Meanwhile there is that girl I'm interested in...
Who said keeping busy is a chore? I find it fly and ease.
I worked 55 hrs or so last week. It was nice, but I was sick. bleh
Then I've been working about half that this week and feeling better.

Mervyn's is going out of business, and so I went in to buy a nice grey jacket. Stupid jackets were all too big. I'm not a big man! So instead I bought a brown paisley tie and a Tabithablanket. It's Brown & Creme colored, not black and white. I want to go to Linens and Things and buy some green sheets and then finally get the frame for my bed to lie on... I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor still. I have a computer desk, I'm going to start working on my shelving units (buy a hand saw, steady the saw horses, buy the wood, glue, drill for dowels, pencils, wood stain, sealer, and get to work.) I bought a laptop which I plan to DJ with, use with recording music, mobile computing, teach the Music Production class, keep in touch with friends.

I also use my phone as much to Facebook, myspace, and email as I log on to my laptop. It's pretty funny.

Obama is President. Because of Anthony's discussion of Michelle Obama, I feel more confident about her role as the next Jackie-O (for her fashion sense is incredible) and as an amazing African American leader, spokesperson, and First Lady. I'm happy with Obama doing this, but I don't want another Kennedy in that people want to shoot the man. I don't pray to God too often, but I'm praying that he doesn't get assassinated. Not because I value him as a messianic figure, but because this country will lose everything if we cannot accept him as a leader for a mere 4 years at least.

I've been obsessing over equipment to buy at music stores. The other day I was in the Pro Sound room at Rainbow guitars and I was like I could buy something from each surface here including the ceiling... A Furman, Two Speakers, dance floor lighting, monitors, a subwoofer, a mixer.... It was ridiculous.

The real reason I started this entry and sincerely avoided it was because of this:

C.G. (4:17:27 AM): can i be like your muse? hah
C.G. (4:17:42 AM): i can live vicariously through your music
Me: (4:18:26 AM): you have no idea.
Me: (4:18:31 AM): haha.
Me: (4:18:38 AM): Darlin' you will always be my muse
C.G. (4:18:54 AM): yesss :-)
Me (4:21:01 AM): Just try not to inspire me too much, you might lose your magic. =)
C.G. (4:21:14 AM): haha i don't think i ever try too hard, i'm just a mess lol
Me: (4:21:22 AM): not that I think you could.
Me: (4:22:43 AM): a mess? why would I want to keep a mess so close? It's dirty, and meant to be thrown out. You're going nowhere.

She was right.
I was fuckin' wrong.
I'm sorry I was wrong.

(-J.)™

Current Mood: moodymoody
Current Music: Kylie, Garbage, the Notwist

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Apr. 4th, 2008 12:57 am Righters Blokque.

What happens when you lose your words?

Well... let's go to the reasons behind it all.
I've done nothing new musically for the past couple of months.
Reasons being: busy busy busy.

I have had no time to REST.
And what do I need to rest?
My eyes, my head, my LEGS... always hurt.
My neck, my arms... everything hurts. Nobody to soothe (girlfriend needed ASAP) the aches and at least just fucking listen. The more I talk, the more I want to talk and the more I write down. Nobody wants to hear me. Everybody at work just... doesn't understand a damn thing. My best friend is lost in his own mind sometimes. AH! I don't want to be alone any more and I realize that's the only place I can be. I love silence. I hate iniquity. You can't do both without misery.
My household now is full of others who are as busy or more busy than myself to care. Or at least can care. I usually just speak my mind anyway, but some of the time I'll just shut up because nobody will be happy if I complain. Just gotta make the others laugh and I'll join in.

I've been sick for 3 weeks. I've been restless, sick, demanded, and weary. Meanwhile I never am able to just stop by and say Hi to my mom, my grandmas, grandpa or dad. I workworkworkworkwork.

My penpal is moving closer. I haven't written back since forever ago. I still have all of the letters. My room is CHAOS defined. My knees hurt. my legs always hurt. It's been like 8 years of this. NO joke. I think I would get taller if I relaxed my legs some how.

My wisdom teeth are coming in. Guess what my Orthodontist never wants to happen? Yeah, crooking teeth. I couldn't wear my retainers because of my crowns, and then something else that moved and a filling and also moving and now, my whole mouth is evolving again. I consistently get headaches that are just subtle and murderous. These teeth need to die.

I hate coughing. My sneezes aren't like the ones I love (the successful ones I connect with releasing anger)... they contain snot sometimes. That's gross. I hacked up phlegm the other day (some of it was in my control), and gained the rest of my voice; when I had awoken, I sounded like the guy from SAW. I couldn't use any other part of my voice but the "I'm going to murder you... do you know who I am?" scratch voice over the telephone. That's strange.

My family has hung out with Frieda, Chris, Cole and Adam on a couple occasions.
I really am glad I met both Frieda and Chris. I'm really trying to surround myself with the right people. It's an unconscious effort I'm making conscious.

I gotta wake up early tomorrow.

I DON'T WORK AT ALL TOMORROW!
PRAISE THE HEAVENS!

-J.

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Mar. 28th, 2008 12:29 am Royksopp on my mind.

It's only been a week, The rush of being home in rapid fading.Collapse )


It's been a crazy month. Moving, heeding, dying and reviving.

I've been working with kids and I'm doing well. It was said I'm doing "perfect".
I always thought I was self-conscious and too nervous to handle kids, but geez, they're 2 years old.
I'm still at the BUX. Maybe I'll see some of you there.
The chances of that happening are pretty good.

I should be sleeping. Instead I rest wearily.
You can't take a break until it's time to take a break.
I just need a break from insanity to get my room cleaned up! Half of my bed is occupied by stuff!
Kate Havnevik knows who I am.
That just means a lot to me. I love her voice. I almost love her, I guess.

My mom was joking to me about which one of us brothers is gonna find a good girl.
I don't want a good girl. I want a bad girl, but I can't tell my mother that.
Instead I'll find someone perfect. Where the hell is she??

(-J.)

Current Location: Where else?
Current Music: nadanadanada

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Mar. 6th, 2008 06:11 pm dhfjdtynj

sdrgdshh.

dfgjkdsfhjsdfh.,

End of STory?

-mdfgldfg.

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Feb. 25th, 2008 05:08 am I go to Oscars after parties.

So, my friend Adam (ant!) and I were trying to find something to do as we were both off of work and had the night to hang out.

Usually we go to some kind of club or watch musicians or open mic nights, but since it was Oscars night, we figured Hollywood would have been a cool place to go.

I didn't watch the Oscars. I kinda don't care. I didn't see any of those movies and Synth Town no longer captivates me. I'm currently a little drunk, so I'm going by the red underlined words to figure out what I'm doing wrong. But I'm doing pretty good - I drank responsibly.

So, we hung out at SBUX hollywood, and, Goodness this was a weird night. Before heading to Highland, to the East, on the North side of the Hollywood Blvd there were these Street performers. All of them were old-fashioned: One played Accordion, the other had a marionette (who invited me to another club this Wednesday) and the other did parlour tricks with Juggling and magic!
I told them this was the best entertainment in Hollywood tonight!
Which, I'm actually very sure it was. It was so different and a kick-back to things that are social and good.

Instead we huddle over a television to discuss people who do things that aren't real. Movies aren't real. Written word is real. Movies are full of fake people portraying real people. I hope I sound really drunk right now, because this will be fun to read later.

In the end we were at an E! Hollywood after party! We got free booze and Adam took advantage. And some madness occurred - I met some good folks. Met a lot of stupid people. That's what Hollywood is about - stupid, fake people. There's a lot of those everyone, but somehow there is more of an obligation here. Some people are transparent. They almost act like they want to be. meh.

I wore my sweater born for a decade-old fashion style.

I stole several items from the Roosevelt Hotel:

1) 2 Apples which were nearby the booze. I prefer apples any day over alcohol!
2) Unused pens.
3) Protective, Blue gloves
4) Cotton balls
5) Body Lotion with Sugar Cane extract and Mango Seed oil. And... Lemon? It smells so odd. I don't want to smell tangy.
6) People's hearts and attention
7) Not really, lots of terrible people

But you always find those people who just don't fit in with the rest, but vibe well with you. I met them.

Someone said to us:

"So, who do you know here"
Oh, well, there was Robert. He left earlier
Well, none of us know who Robert is. And I don't really want to kick you guys out.
I said: Well, we're still here 'cos you're cool people - that's why we're here!
And she High-fived me. "Yeah, hell yeah, we are"
I meant to say Yeah, and cool people don't kick cool people out of parties. You don't even know how cool we are and our contribution to your lives but I didn't.
But instead, I just slipped away and talked to someone I did know.

Avoid stupid people who try to ruin your life.
They are idiots! And their plans can be foiled!

I'm actually not drunk. I gotta take Adam home!
I make time to sober up. Like a good boy man.

Some dude said "How's it goin', boys?"
I said: I'm not a boy, I'm a man.
To that, Adam laughed. Because I'm highlaireeyuss

(-J.)™

Current Mood: happyhappy

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Feb. 7th, 2008 04:13 am I'm trying to do my music without much of a team

How more organic can a musician get?
....okay, I'm far from.

I need to perform more. That will get people.

I use myspace. But I actually try and keep contact with people on there like as if I were stopping in to their work while I'm in the area. (Swing by, say hello, buy something and leave kind of thing.)

I remember people, how I met them.

Someone wants to remix one of my tunes.
They're gonna listen again and then decide what they have in mind.
Not a big group, but I really like her/their sound. She's good.

It's organic. My brothers are trying to help me, but I'm the one with all the freaking ideas.
They're just implementing some of the organizational elements I lack in my encyclopedia dashdotaea....with no index or even a spine with which to fasten the pages to. eep.
Spineless literature... blogs.... I get it now.

Biggest event of my life: still don't have a girlfriend.
SUCCESS!!

Worst part of my life:
Being late for work, being written up.
I hated everything at that moment. Nothing pisses me off more than just not being in control in something so simple.

I've been up approximately 20 hours 3 of which I just spent dancing my booty off, about 8 of which I worked diligently in, and... wait, what happened to the rest? Oh yeah, Listening to KXLU, 88.9fm LOS ANGELES. To the Jazz Journey. I won a book off of there, it's a textbook called "the New History of Jazz". I think that's it. I'm not gonna check.
I'm excited. Free textbooks for a non-collegiate music historian as myself is a good thing.

My biggest craving after going out to a club (I was sober the whole time, talking to girls and getting them to dance. What's with this alcohol bullshit!?) is not water. It's juice. Tangy, good juice. Like NO PULP Orange Juice, or next-best (but always still best) Apple Juice.
I had apple juice tonight. two glasses. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm wiped.
Sleep time.

But first, I used logic to confuse a girl into dancing up by her friends.
It was perfect. LOGIC WORKS to get ASSES SHAKIN!

I've got (dashJdot) designs in the works.
I'm super WTF-ed about life and my grasp on its cohesiveness.
I want to see Gelda again. ....riveting. Doesn't know how to dance with people.
For the last effing time, I'm not people.

(-J.)™ really knows how to impress people! It takes the crazy part of me and a tuna fish sandwich and VOILA... crazy charisma.

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Feb. 6th, 2008 02:54 am I almost began this with an apology.

Why would one do that?
Pitiful.

I tried to be more of a snob than I am. The facade is in place so that people see my brash side is a front to my sincerity. I mean, I'm as sweet as one may be. Fuck off and die if you don't agree!

I'm really trying to make Synth Town work, but honestly, I don't know... I've already written my history and my future. It... it sucks. It really does.
My life is composed at the hands of some cosmic narration. It's my own, whether I want it or not.

I don't know if it's my psyche, I'm going crazy.... or.... seriously, I can hear that fucking amp/speaker hiss from 3 feet away. It's driving me crazy. But it's good I can detect it (driving me crazy).

I know the source of my insanity.
That doesn't mean I want to cure it.

I'm finding out about so much cool music.
I wish I had a better life to be able to spend a third of my day working, a third recording, and a third listening to music. No sleeping required.

THE ONE AND ONLY (-J.)™

I NEED A BIG EGO TRIP
ONE THAT MAKES ME SLIP
BACK INTO OBLIVION
AS THE UNFAVORED SON

I HAVE A RISING ATTITUDE
THAT'S UNQUENCHABLE IN FAME
THESE FLICKING FIRES OF BULBOUS LIGHTS
HELD BY CAMERA MEN WHO SCREAM MY NAME

I'M VAIN
I'm complete and unadulterated fame
MY NAME
Is stretched across the very streets I've walked...

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